I used to hate cinnamon raisin bagels as a kid. Eating one right now.

The title is true.  Anyway, I’ve read that rubbing a banana peel on a mosquito bite can alleviate the itching.  More importantly, I don’t want to expand on that because I am defiant of mosquitos and afraid of fruit.

I tire of bargaining for the life of vegetables at the trade markets in my neighborhood.  Therefore, I intend on growing vegetables on my back patio in giant nuclear power plant shaped ceramic pots to avoid the stress of haggling over and proving the worth of bell peppers, jalapenos, green onions, and tomatoes.  Speaking of which, tomatoes — although a fruit — are nowhere near as threatening as bananas or other fruit.  They’ve received a waiver from yours truly and I view them in a less terrifying light.

Additionally, mint, basil, and a few other herbs that will not cross my mind because it’s flooded with awesome will participate in my food version of the League of Nations.  Hi Woodrow Wilson!

I am becoming domesticated, something slightly strange to me considering my nomadic nature and enjoyment of traveling and moving.  I like it, though.  Putting down roots the same way my vegetables are going to.  Mine will be better and stronger.  Capsicum annuum Spartans.

Aren’t bell peppers in the botanical sense considered fruits but in culinary terms considered vegetables you ask?  No more questions.  By the time this post is complete, you will have learned a great deal about food and my life.

This post is complete.

Currently playing: “Pursuit of Happiness” by KiD CuDi.

In one picture?

To live strictly within a defined world is to retard your understanding of it.

Currently playing: “Ho’ is Short For Honey” by KiD CuDi.

St. Francis the praying mantis.

St. Francis the praying mantis hissing at me over my discovery of him.

 

SFTPM (his acronym) sliding down the front screen door like an ungraceful and awkward stripper. Upside down.

 

Right before his first leap, his rubbed his misshapen front legs together, whispering the word ‘precious’ like Gollum from Lord of the Rings. He then leapt from the door to the white brick road like some white supremacist’s version of the fairytale of Oz. Look at his eyes. Fucking alien.

 

He is running like I have a spotlight on him and all else is dark. He has not noticed me still watching him and is running for exercise, not for his life. Can he run his own life? Not like I am running it he can’t — ooooooo!

 

The angriest bug of all Bugdom. Once again, angry that I have found him, hissing and pretending to spew magical venom at me. Stupid mantis, you are the brontosaurus of the bug species.

 

After taking a swing at the camera, he ran off, engaging in things such as cockiness of the spoken word. I was going to step on him at this point but he yelled out, “Man vs. Mantis” in the same accent as Bear Grylls from ‘Man vs. Wild’. I was temporarily enamored.

 

Acting like a paintball assassin, as he creeps along the leaf line, trying to trap me. He is completely unaware that I am mocking him behind his back, much to the enjoyment of his peers.

 

Frustrated over my alleged absence, he slowly crawls forward to find me and hears me move. He freezes in place and waits, considering retreat due to my superior skills in stealth.

 

On his way back to the front door where his friends are, only to discover that they are laughing and praying at him. His reaction in one word? Shock. Hahahaha! Tell your self-esteem I said it’s ugly, Francis Mantis.

Smucker’s, you fu*ker.

Never have apples & peanut butter been so dramatic, nor tasted so.  Do you see one of the arms growing out of the right (your left) side of the Smucker’s jar?  It tried choking me with those guns.  Normal peanut butter chokes you from within like a sleeper agent, which is cool on it’s own, but this?  Arms?  It went at my neck as soon as I released it from it’s safety seal!  I guess they keep peanut butter packaged up in these decorated glass jail cells for a reason.  It will never escape, either.  Peanut butter is incredibly lazy.  It’s a butter sloth.