We have been at the hospital for over 10 hours now. From here on out, the ‘B.C.’ for my life will be pre-fatherhood and fatherhood. It’s a contrast that I could think about for hours, maybe days at a time. Who I was before my mija, who I have become during her mother’s pregnancy and who I will grow to be as she grows up. I have flashbacks of my early 20’s and my persistent attempts to move out west and stay out west. The experiences I’ve had, the maturing I needed to do — the maturity that comes with age. The mistakes, the adventures, the everything. I don’t miss it. I’m excited as hell to hold my girl! I’m so proud of her mom. And soon, life will never again be the same.
The last time I was in a hospital, it was for the exact opposite reason I am here now and I was losing my dad. Here I sit, now ready to receive my daughter. Within two months there has been death and life, the death of and the birth of two people so incredibly dear to me and close to my heart. How has life come to such a state? If there is anything that inspires one to contemplate life, it’s frailty, beauty, finiteness, and meaning, then the last 2 months have done exactly that. I have gone into the intellectual and spiritual deep end and am content to not say a word about it to anybody. I don’t need to. It’s why I write and am content to think about it endlessly. How a zygote — something invisible to the naked eye, and it’s genetic blueprint form a human is…..mind blowing.
What will she sound like? What will the difference in her voice be as she grows? What color and shape will her eyes be? Her hair? Her intellect? Will she be mathematically oriented? Artistically oriented? Both? Neither? How amazing it must be to watch as she marvels at the fact that she has hands and feet! I look at my hands and feet everyday, occasionally thinking about the nature of their shape and their existence but usually underwhelmed by them because I am so used to having them accompany me on my body on a regular basis. But to her, she is going to look at them and have this look in her eyes that says, “Holy phalanges, Batman, what the shit are these??” She won’t even get her own Batman reference! She will learn of Batman, rest assured. And Iron Man.
I love this wee-lass more than I can convey and she isn’t even here yet.