Destined for silver lakes.

I love you.  I want you to know that we all love you, to know that due to your hand in my life I am a good man, because of your example I will be an amazing father to my daughter and future children the way you were for my brother, sisters and me.  I still fight myself in accepting your fate, I have moments of frantically grabbing at the last straws of “what if”, pleading in my mind for you to be spared.  It’s not to be.  The doctor said from the looks of it, you will be parting with us soon, possibly within days.  This cannot be, you checked into the hospital hardly a week ago!

I remember sitting on your shoulders as a boy while you ran me in circles around the house on Dover Road.  I was so worried about hitting my head on the doorways but you made sure I never did.  You were so strong and I thought you were invincible.  I had no idea this would be how things ended.  I love you so much.

I rebelled against you constantly and many men would have eventually turned their backs or coerced me physically into obedience.  Not you.  You had the firm but gentle hand and an unsurpassed patience in helping me reach my potential.  You were meant to be a father and I am so blessed to have become your son.  I love you so much.

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You’re sleeping peacefully.  Finally.  I am watching you, soaking up every detail and feature of yours because I know that within days or less, I will not have the privilege of doing this again.  How cruel time can be that one moment you are here with me, sick but still here with me and the next moment gone forever.  I’m so happy for you that you are able to rest.  What are you dreaming about?  Are you seeing where you will go once your soul is restrained no more by the weighty pull of this world?  I wish you could describe it to me.  Will you be there when your granddaughter is born?  I love you so much.

I’m afraid to fall asleep, scared of missing your last breaths but I know it’s understandable and things will be the way they will be.  I am happy to have been able say goodbye to you earlier and say the things that were in my heart.  You are Charles Dearing and you are my father.  I will never forget you.  I will always love you with a lion-like ferocity.  You will always be a part of my heart and I will tell my children stories about you, what kind of man you were, and everything you stood for.  Remember this as you journey across silver lakes to a better place.  I love you so much, pop.

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4 thoughts on “Destined for silver lakes.

  1. Vicki gowen says:

    Wonderful tribute to an exceptional man! Your loss is stated eloquently and from the heart. Bless you & yours.

  2. bobbie segal says:

    you are a beautiful man.

  3. Betsy says:

    I stumbled upon this after I saw your mom driving down I-95 and followed her Facebook months ago! I too lost my father to cancer on January 5 2013. It’s one of the hardest things to ever happen. I am truly touched to be so blessed to have googled Happily Homeless on our road trip back from MD to Carolina. As weird as it sounds, it’s good to know that you’re not alone, even though at times it may seem that you are. Keep strong.

    Betsy

  4. snadius says:

    Thank you very much for your words, Betsy. I certainly identify with you losing your father – no matter how old we are when it happens, it is unbearable – the deeper the love, the deeper the grief I think. I will keep you in my prayers each night.

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